we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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