I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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