she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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