He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
