Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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