Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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