i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
