I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
