Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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