you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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