do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
