It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I cannot find my penis.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
