God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
