oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
