so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
