Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
