I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You can't special order awesome
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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