At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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