so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
