I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
