Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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