I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
