already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
