watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
