That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
