Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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