Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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