if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
