Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
