my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They took my balls.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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