after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
