What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
