Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
