I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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