when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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