Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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