wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
