were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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