things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
