Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
