No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
