I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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