Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
