My room smells like vodka and shame
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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