dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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