Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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