i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I looked at my own cervix.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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