with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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