Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
