If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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