Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
