Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
