Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
we should paint friendship bongs
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
