pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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