So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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