I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
