I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
