fuck your aforementioned shoe
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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