I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
