I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
