Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize