I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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