TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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