I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize