made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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