I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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