she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
