peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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