I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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