hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
