its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Success! We fucked roommates!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize