You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
