Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
