Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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