you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize