just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Don't make out with my wife yet
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Enjoy the penises
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
