there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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