Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize